Ate lunch next to one of my dad’s best friends. He didn’t see me. Or at least he didn’t come over. I sure as hell wasn’t going to go over there. Seeing him hurt enough. I miss him. Terribly.

Mom has found a job and has settled into a nice routine. Of simply existing. She works. She plays her online game. That’s her life. Her and I don’t have the bestest of pasts, and it’s hard for me to muster sympathy, but I do feel sorry for her. My heart cracks when I think of what I would be like without MD. At least I’d have the kids to live for. To get up for. To get dressed for. To laugh for. She has nothing. I know I won’t like it, but I hope she finds someone to spend the rest of her life with. It was supposed to be dad, but if that’s not how it’s meant to be, then I hope ya’lls God will send her someone else to make life bearable.

I mean, not for awhile, but I figure it’s going to take some time to find someone else who can put up with her ass.

I took my second son to the doctor today. To an intake. Because it’s high time I stop pretending he can handle this ADHD on his own. Yeah, he has ADHD and yeah I believe it’s the reason for his trouble and yeah we’re going to medicate his ass to try and help his ass. If you don’t agree or don’t approve…. well, I don’t give two shits. He’s my kid, and he needs help. I’m just sad that I didn’t do this sooner. Like 10 years ago when they first said the little letters that have come to haunt us.

He wanted to go today. He wants to drive, and trust me people, that boy CANNOT FUCKING DRIVE the way things are right now. If it’s true what they say, and his thoughts change every four seconds, do you really want him behind the wheel of a car? I sure as hell don’t.

He wants to remember things. He wants to set himself up for a task and actually follow through. He wants to finish chores and stop getting chewed for forgetting shit. He wants to improve his grades. He wants the teachers to stop thinking he doesn’t give a shit. That he daydreams on purpose. That he fidgets like that because he’s bored.

I feel good about this. I feel like it’s time. Time for him to find out who he really is and what he can become. Rather excited for him. It might take awhile to find the right meds — believe me, I know it can take some time — but we’ve waited this long. We can hold out a bit longer.

I can tell I’m getting older … I just can’t sleep past 7am anymore. I’m excited to play bingo tonight with mom. My creaky body needs a massage just to get out of bed. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Joints on my right side throb in the rain. I bet it only gets better.

I actually updated without blowing shit up this time. Go me.

My 37th birthday is in 2 days. That really bites ass. Except that I got a Blackberry Pearl. That’s sweet. I won’t use the main features that make it a BLACKBERRY, but I’m just happy to have it. My new toy. I think I also get that other tattoo finally. Wish I could think of where to put it.

Back to hating Friday nights, with MD working at the volleyball place. He only works out there one day a week now though. And that’s more to play than anything. He can play all night for free. I still hate it.

My boss/friend is on vacation. My life is boring to the point of pain. There is either everything to do, or nothing to do. And nothing to do when you’re stuck in a cubicle is torture. Total torture. I’m not the kind to fuck around on the internet or play cards or balance my checkbook. I just want to work. And if I can’t do that, then I shouldn’t be there on the clock. Hopefully Monday will bring orders to process.

Damn, I’m tired all of sudden.

And thank you for the spyware/virus help. I tried them all, to no avail. Then my mom, of all people, tells me about SuperAntiSpyware - the free version, and I try it. 72 critters lurking. Malware, trojans, worms, you name it. It got rid of them all. I think. I haven’t had any problems since then, so I hope it fixed me.

Seriously, this program is awesome.

Partly cloudy skies early followed by a few rain or snow showers overnight.

Seriously. Seriously? Has anyone told this Mother Nature bitch that it’s May …. MAY??

Ok, I need help. Free spyware/antivirus programs? Other than AVG and Spybot? And housecall won’t work either. I have all kinds of bugs - thank you porn freak son. I hope your eyes cross and stay that way - for at least a few days.

It is taking over my system, and I cannot find a way to get rid of it. Are there any other good free programs out there? Or a really good one to buy? Help Help Help.

Have to get my son’s date’s corsage here in a bit. He’s working and won’t get off in time. Likely story. I also bought the sumbitch trying to be nice. He got el screwedo on the tux because he just let this hussy pick for him and didn’t ask questions. $156. For one night. This girl better be worth it. And I have a feeling she’s not. She picked the most expensive place in town to eat as well. Hussy. And they aren’t even dating. It’s not like …. well, I’m not going to say it because I’m the mother and that’s just wrong.

MD doesn’t have to work tomorrow. Something about not getting the insurance on him in time. That’s ok. That means we can go to the fights tonight. Some friend had tickets and we were afraid we couldn’t go because MD had to get up at 3am. Now we can go watch the cage matches and see some little guys get their heads kicked in. Not sure why, but I love that shit. And then the big guns will come out at the end, and that’s always pleasant to see. My husband’s friend works for the company that puts these things on, so the tickets are always fabulous. Again, not sure why, but I just love it.

Now I’m listening to soothing melodies, wondering where to begin. IF I’m to begin - filling you in. You being me later. And anyone else who happens to wander in.

My baby goes to his first prom tomorrow. Good gawd. I remember my proms. I’m glad my boy isn’t like me. Or his father. Not that he wouldn’t like to be, mind you. He just hasn’t had the opportunities to trash his reputation/further his reputation (whatever) yet. No girlfriends really to speak of. Which in turn means no dates. The boys hang out together instead of hanging out where the girls are. Strange.

I have MB2 getting ready to undergo testing again. His request this time. He’s trying to learn to drive, and it just isn’t working. His attention span lasts about 4 seconds, and that ain’t cool when you’re driving. Not at all. Especially for the screaming passengers. I want him on meds now. His grades have slipped to C’s. He can’t remember to do his chores when they’re stapled to his forehead. He can’t complete a sentence. He just needs help. Going it alone, med free was great while it lasted, but I really think it’s time for him to have some help. If it can calm his mind down like it has MB4’s body, I’d be in heaven.

Speaking of MB4, he’s doing great. Right combo of meds - and hopefully they will stay right for him. I know everyone changes and puberty could sweep in and fuck it all up, but I’m really hoping we only have to make minor changes.

Wee one still won’t potty train. Every trick I have in my book has been used and scoffed at. He simply isn’t ready. The sitter has tried her tricks, and she agrees. He just needs more time. I hope his kindergarten teacher doesn’t mind a diaper bag.

I dunno. Why don’t we write anymore Michelle? Blogging is all I used to think about. Still is, only it’s immediately followed by a downer feeling. Like I tell myself I don’t have time to sit and write it out, but it’s more that I don’t have the …. patience to try and find the words to say all that needs to be said. Like I can’t give the tale it’s due, so I take a pass. I’ve missed out on so much the last few months. Years? Has it been years since I wrote faithfully? Nah. Can’t be that long. How long has dad been gone? There was a buzz kill. Then there was guilt about not wanting to turn this blog into GriefCentral. Who wants to read doom and gloom all the time? Then again, who wants bipolar disorder and autism shoved down their throats?

Ice cream break…. More to follow. Maybe. Knowing me I’ll see you next month. Which is my birthmonth by the way. We’re at the point where you start to track backwards, so my 37 will become 35. I like how that works. I remember writing here once on my 31st birthday how I woke up feeling creaky or something about getting old. Now it’s 6 years later. Geezus. No wonder I’ve run out of things to say.

Found a cool toy. Musicovery.

MD is gone for 3 days. St Louis. Bleh.

MS and MS’s dh accepted a $1000 check for Volley for the Cure/Light the Night. Still feel bad about not doing the tournament. Think I’m going to have to do it next year.

Job still going well. Rather bored this past week though. My friend goes on vacation in two weeks. We’ll see how bored I am then.

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks. It sounds so harsh. All I want is another tattoo. Not too much to ask, eh? Actually I have my next two mapped out. Notice how I didn’t say last two. Heh. Guy is also going to fix this one. Make it purdy.

Time to get busy cleaning this house. What a mess.

Has anyone else in MO noticed that the forecast said it’s SUPPOSED TO FUCKING SNOW FRIDAY?

Geezus.

MS’ husband put our name (Volley for the Cure) into the pool with a bunch of other worthy causes at his job, and they picked us! Not sure how much yet, but it might be a couple thousand dollars! There are a few snags, like a form they need and how to present the ‘award’ in person and such, but hopefully that will all get worked out. Think good thoughts please!

Married 18 years today. Still love him more than life itself. Still infuriates me like no one else. Still the best father I know. Still working his ass off to get us by.

I was looking at our family pictures, and I realized that the album was a little empty. Then I realized that I was looking at 2007, and that I haven’t taken one picture this year. My camera recently died, but that doesn’t excuse the past few months.

And this blog. Empty, pathetic. What does that say?

This period in time will forever be When We Lost Dad. No other reasons. We Lost Dad and the world stopped. Only it didn’t. It kept going though we tried to stop it or at least slow it down so we could catch our breath and collect our thoughts. But it didn’t.

I don’t feel like taking pictures. I don’t feel like posting. I don’t feel like doing much of anything I used to enjoy. I’m sure that will all change, and life will once again bounce along happily. But I’m not there yet. I still get that punch in my gut when I see his picture or hear his name. A grand how-do-you-fucking-do. Please tell me that ends at some point.

But it’s springtime. And I want to stop this shit. Dad would not like us mooning around like this. I need to find a way to buy another camera and start forcing myself to take pictures again. Not like I’m some expert, but the kids will appreciate the pics later on. I think they will. I hope they will. I know I’ll appreciate them anyway.

Still alive. The broken record just claims to be busy. And I am. But I’m not right now. I should be. House is destroyed. Wish I made enough to hire some help. But alas, I do not. Does anyone really ever use that word?

Wee one is doing so much better. As long as he has the medicine in him, that is. I skipped it for two days, thinking he was better. Sniffles came back and the catch in his throat started up again. I have learned my lesson. Hope the appt comes along sooner than later. I know better though. Same place that evaluated MB4 all those years ago. Took 9 months to get in. Let’s hope it’s not that long for allergies.

We are planning to head to FL next March for MD’s sister’s wedding. And since my mom and sister had talked about having a huge family vacation, that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Renting a 15 passenger van, and toodling to FL. Renting a 16 sleeper house a few miles from Disney, and hitting four of the theme parks. Then a day at the beach, a day at the wedding, and you’ve got 14 people very happy people. The kids will hopefully never forget it. Just wish dad could be here.

Still not sure I’m dealing with this whole dad thing properly. Still stings to think about him, but then I just swish it away. No pain that way. I find myself feeling incredibly sorry for him that he died. That he’s not able to enjoy things. I feel guilty having a good time when he’s gone. I feel bad that he never really knew he was on his way out. A part of me found great comfort in that before. That he was oblivious to the fact he was dying. Now I wish he would have had time to wrap things up. I know he was strong enough to handle the weight of the news, but he would have liked to tied up loose ends.

Enough of that talk. Gah.

MD was offered a milk route. Local guy that picks up at the local farms. Big tanker truck. Lucky thing he keeps all those endorsements on his license. Pays $240 a day. Not bad. Wish he’d hurry up and start already. It’s only a couple days a month. More if he has it. Might take the place of the volleyball biz. Maybe. Doubtful. He loves it too much.

Not going to do the tournament this year, but I’m still walking. I know I won’t raise as much money this year, but that’s ok. I still want to walk. I didn’t think I did, but dad would want us to. My godmother’s daughter was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and while that isn’t a blood cancer, it’s all same. Find a cure for one, you find the key to the rest. She’s probably not going to make it. That’s awful to say. I hope she does. It doesn’t look good. She’s so young. Her baby is so young. It just doesn’t make sense that we haven’t found a cure for this shit yet. Just another reason to do something. Donate money or time or your computer. Walk. Hold fund raisers. Do something. We must all do something. We have to do something. It will affect you or someone you love at some point. No one is safe.

And another thing - you must be diligent in protecting yourself. Get your mammograms. Get your pap tests. Get those prostrate checks. Have a colonoscopy - it’s not as bad as you think. Early detection is key. It’s VITAL. The point at which they find the cancer will do more to decide whether you live or die than anything else. How silly to put things off when you think of it that way.

Ok, now I must get up and actually get some work done. Hope this finds all my friends well. Drop me a line and give me an update. I’m not getting around to read as much as I used to.

Wee one is being tested for allergies and asthma. He’s been coughing for two months. Nothing will stop it except steroids. Poor kiddo. He’s such a tiny tot. We can’t sleep at night because we’re afraid he’s going to choke to death as a result of a coughing fit. Hopefully tonight will be better. Benadryl and prednisone. And I probably spelled those wrong. Tough shit.

Life ticks on…

Wow, have I ever let it go this long? It’s amazing how busy life has become. The more comfortable I become at work, the more responsibilities I have. And the more I am expected to do, the longer I am stuck at work at night. Shouldn’t say stuck — I love it. I love being busy. I love that feeling of drowning when there are stacks of paperwork on your desk. Gives me a rush.

Gives me a rush to chew ass too. My doctor’s appt is this week, and thank gawd for that. I need a severe attitude adjustment. Think I’m a bit manic as well. The weather gets nicer, and my insides start freaking out. Not that I mind.

I really wish I could skip the pills though. I know that I could be so much better at my job if I could remember shit better. I have virtually no retention, and it really bites. I know it’s the pills. I know it’s not being able to be crazy ass Angie. I know I can’t NOT take the pills. I just wish.

I have some of the cutest clothes I’ve ever had, thanks to my mama and my friend/boss. It’s nice getting up for work when you have something kickass to wear. And my friend bought me a pair of boots that are cute as hell. I love them. And I’ve bought myself some cute shit - at the thrift store. I like to shop, but I’ll be damn if I spend all that moolah.

MD’s birthday party is tonight, but he has to work today. He offered to work to make some extra money. Today and tomorrow. So, I need to finish cleaning the house and making myself purdy. I bought him some division champs Bucs gear, but I have other plans for his birthday later. I’m such trash. I don’t think he minds.

MB2 - Not really sure how life is going for him. I guess it’s ok. He seems happy. His grades are…..decent. He’s wanting to get his hair back to normal. Which should make me happy, but I have kind of grown to like his black locks with crazy stripes. Now I wish he would take out them damn earrings. They aren’t THAT bad, but he likes the bigger hoops, and it drives me nuts.

Both him and MB1 are getting ready for prom. Which means I get to listen to them bitch about how the girl is making all these plans and they are expected to pay for it all. At least the weddings won’t be like this. I’m just glad they are both going. Good memories. I hope, anyway.

MB1 is growing up before my eyes. It makes me sad, but it’s also thrilling to see the person he’s becoming. It’s like you’ve waited your whole life — or their whole life — to witness this transition, and you hold your breath wondering what path he’s going to take. I hope he chooses wisely.

We drug tested both of them the other day. Brought it off as some sort of joke, but I was curious thanks to the kids they hang out with. Both clean. Happy mama. Kids get to stay alive. I had ordered the tests online a few months back when my sister’s son was caught smoking the herb. They are a helluva lot cheaper online than they are at the pharmacy, I can tell you that. Look like little pregnancy tests. Nothing more than a litmus paper on a stick. I ain’t picky. Not for a couple bucks.

MD is better than he was. Not sick anymore. Still hating his job. Still not able to get a call back. Something’s gotta give soon. Even with my job things are so tight they squeak. I have to pay my taxes (yes, that were due by Dec) before I can get the cars registered for the year, and I’m praying that his other job at the volleyball place kicks in real soon so I can get it done. And it was suggested that I stop washing my car so the law can’t see my expired tag a month from now and pop me a ticket. Smart thinking, ’cause that bitch is nasty now. Couldn’t see the tag if you tried. ………… This talk is so wrong.

I’m doing great, as long as I have work to do. I’m pretty sure this pill makes it so that I literally lose my ever loving mind if I’m idle for more than a moment. This goes for my brain too. I cannot sit there for one second and do nothing. Batshit alert. And my friend has her moments where she likes to play a hand of cards or shut the door and listen to the music, and I’m just not that way. I bug her into working, and she’s probably rethinking this whole get up. Heh.

Still sort of depressed. I have an appt this month, so I’ll ask about maybe trying the other one again. I know it makes you gain weight, but I read an article that said when you start a drug and then stop and restart that same drug, sometimes the side effects go by the wayside. It’s happened to me twice, so I’m curious to see what would happen if I tried it. I’ve never been happier than I was on that pill. I just want to feel happy again. When your life is running great, you shouldn’t feel like this.

Moody Mama expires next month. I know I’m renewing, but I’m still not sure what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll put up a message board and let you all keep it alive.

It’s time to get started on Volley for the Cure/Light the Night. Except I’m not. I’ll walk this September, but I’m not hosting the tournament. I’ve done it twice and two people have been zapped with cancer. I know the timing is wrong and it’s crazy to think that way, but I can’t help it. I don’t have the ooomph to fight this year. Nor do I have the time. What I do have is a shitload of tshirts - wanna buy one?

Staying home today because I feel like shit. And MG feels like shit. So we’ll sit here and feel like shit together. And I’ll finally get laundry caught up. What a fun day I have planned.

Wee one is loving preschool. He’s interacting with the kids like an old pro, and he still squeals when I pull into her driveway every morning. He pops up at 6am to start his day, and he asks to be put to bed around 8:30 every night. He even takes a two hour nap at her place. I’d say he’s doing well. He’s on his way to being well health wise. Has taken awhile. Such a sickly boy.

The preschool gal asked me if I noticed how ….. particular he was. Since that’s person #6 to notice just how ….. whatever he is, I’d say it’s not my imagination. Especially since one of those was MB4’s doc. I guess we just wait to see if he needs help with it or not. Plenty of people in our family that are OCD and are not on meds. (cough*mother*moodysister*cough)

–

MG is thriving in kindergarten. Such a quick little mind. She suckered us into another semester of cheerleading because her friends were taking the class this time around — only to get her first dose of fucked up friendship when these two girls always pair up with each other and leave my girly out. Rude. She’s starting to read, and although we’ve gone through this a million times, it’s still amazing to watch their world literally explode as they are given access to a whole new level.

–

MB4 is kicking ass. His grade cards this entire year have had a 91% — and then nothing less that a 97% for the rest of the classes. Most are 99%. Fucking unreal. And his testing came back with his language at 96%. For a language disordered kid. Something is screwy there. He had his annual IEP, and they ACTUALLY ADDED shit this time. There’s a new gal, and she actually read his eval from KU, and added in things that they suggested. Talk about shock. There are going to role play on how to interact with adults and certain situations. And continue the rest that focuses on comprehension. He needs that very much badly.

He has a birthday coming up, and I still don’t know what to do for it. Few friends overnight? Lots of friends for a few hours? He doesn’t quite get it all yet. He says a few friends, but is telling half the town. Will be harder than I thought.

–

MB3 is a sneaky one. Good kid who is hardly in trouble ever, but he’s still sneaky. He doesn’t like to do homework, so he’s had a few detentions. I need to find a way to motivate this kid. Not like I’m having luck with the other ones. They get A’s and B’s and maybe a C for good measure. And that’s ok with them. I don’t know how to make them like me. Don’t know how to make them want to be the best. Frustrating.

He’s doing great watching the kids in the mornings. No trouble at all so far. knockknockknock. And he’s getting small doses of evening babysitting as we leave for longer periods of time. He’s one hell of a big brother, I tell you that. He follows us in the little ones’ room at night so he can get his hug and kiss, and wee one just squeals because he knows he’s getting tickled. I couldn’t teach that either, he was born that way.

Make me a list of where it never snows. Never. I can’t stand this shit one more second. Lights have been flashing all morning. If the power goes off again because of the ice that’s under this new snowstorm, I’ll just cry.

Off tomorrow. Going to use it wisely. Going to call my sister and play on the computer.

I was thinking of shutting ‘er down again. Haven’t made my mind up completely. I need to get over the idea that I HAVE TO POST EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel guilty when I don’t, and that’s just stupid. Maybe I can do a once a month recap on how everyone is doing. That should suffice for posterity’s sake. Take some pressure off.

Last week things got a little crazy. Kids were on my fucking nerves. MD wasn’t giving me enough attention and then he simply wasn’t giving me enough. I started giving double takes to guys at work and sizing them up using my do-able scale. I wore too much make-up and said the eff word way more than usual. I knew for sure that MD was leaving me, and I wasn’t so sure I didn’t want him to. I gave dirty looks and wondered why people were so damn rude. I was convinced that the whole world was out to get me.

Then I noticed MB4 slumped in a heap on the couch sobbing his heart out. Over something so small. And realized that I had skipped our pills for four days. That’s all it took people. 4 fucking days to lose our minds. To let the creepy crawlers back in that are hell bent on destroying our lives. And damned if I didn’t more or less help them. Didn’t even bat an eye and wonder if I was flipping a nutty. But MD usually makes sure we stay on top of them, and he was sick. Going to have to have a better system I guess. That shit scared me just a tad bit. Thought I had a handle on things better than that. Don’t take much to rock the boat. And I obviously do not have a life preserver.

Yeah, yeah. I know there are tumbleweeds rolling around in this bitch. I said I was busy. That ain’t no lie. But I still want to take off all my clothes and roll around in the insanity, so it’s all good.

Still loving the job. Getting the hang of shit more. There are a bazillion POs to do today, and I literally couldn’t sleep because I was so wanting to get a jump on the day. Then again, it’s not my ass on the line (yet) for any of this shit and I’m not exactly privy to the due dates and such, so I have the luxury of stupidity for the moment. I can bask in the busy-ness and not reach high alert stress status. Which is precisely why I FUCKING ADORE being the assistant. Hell yeah.

Added to our busy lives, everyone was sick at some point the past two weeks. Wee one is finally starting to get better. Finally. Had us worried these this weekend. I’ve never really KNOWN when to use the breathing machine. I do now. And MD was down for 4 days - which is unlike him. Flu. Then one kid after another. I felt yucky one night, and that was it. Throat is sore, but that is it. I think it helps that my system is pumping full steam ahead right now, and has no time for illness.

Can you believe that little ole me is going to have a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD in 4 days? What the fuck chuck? I damn sure don’t feel old enough. Ok, some days. I can remember me as at 17. I’m glad my kids aren’t me. I wouldn’t sleep at all at night. I wish he was more responsible, but he’s still a good kid. I just want to trap him in shrink wrap for a few more years so he can’t run off and grow up on me. I could be a grandma soon. Holy Geebus. I better NOT be a grandma anytime soon.

Ok, free time is over. Time to wakey wake the kids and start their day.

From the 1st year of this blog …

“Birthday Boy

The party’s over, but my oldest kiddo actually turns 12 today. February 19th. I cannot believe I am typing those words. Where the hell did the time go? “

And now he’s 17. What the hell? From 12 to 17, just like that? Does it seem like that much time has gone by yet? Am I crazy?

Didn’t go to work today. Wee one has pneumonia, and I spent all day at the doctor and then chasing down all the medicines and shit he needed. Then I deep cleaned this sty. MD came home and then left again to help out a buddy of his. Plowing for cash. Music to my ears. Wish he didn’t feel he had to do it though. Yes, every bit helps, but still.

Not going to color my hair, that’s already done. But since I tried 3 times to keep it red because it kept washing out, and then I screwed up and grabbed a brownish one, and then I had to desperately try to get it back to blonde — and it took a LONG time. And it took MANY dyes. And it fucked my hair up royally. Can you say f-r-y? It’s fried. I’ve conditioned and trimmed, and it’s still limp and destroyed. So, I thought maybe I’d cut it back to a bob-ish length, and keep cutting it until the damage has been cut out. I still have to dye it as the roots come back, but I know how to be careful in that regard. I just need this damage gone so I can get back to normal. So, I’m going to trim a little each week until I have the bob in the picture. Or whatever the hell it’s called.

This is what I’m aiming for. We’ll see if that’s what I get, and if that’s what really makes me happy afterward.

Finally a moment to sit and rest and think for a minute. Except there is some substance on the keyboard that’s really grossing me out, well it’s pissing me off and I need to hop up to clean it, but if I do that, then I’ll see 10 other things that I really should be doing, and the guilt will win and I’ll stop and play slave to the chores and I won’t get a chance to tell you that I’m really really fucking busy lately, so I’ll ignore it for now.

And I have these little red bumps popping up everywhere. Could I be allergic to work? Ha ha. No, seriously? What about the dress clothes? One of those rubbing me the wrong way maybe? Irritating. I can’t go get that massage with bumps all over my body. How nice for someone to silently holler grody nasty bitch the whole time they rub me. Gawd I’m just really not looking forward to that.

MB1 didn’t go to his homecoming tonight. I hope he knows what he’s doing. You can never get those opportunities back. Says that they all plan to go their Senior year. Hope he’s not in traction or some shit. KnockKnockKnock.

The Beatles still rock.

I bought candy valentines for the kids and the suck. I mean, the candy is really gross. Then again, my taste buds haven’t been all that great since I started the Abilify. Not nasty, just different. Should I buy new valentines? Screw it. Kids will eat the ass end of a donkey.

OH OH OH — I called my doc and told her that I have virtually no side effects (none that I can’t live with anyway), and she said, yeah, but is this dose working? And I said I think so, and she said……….. then Congratulations! We’ve finally found the right combo. I’d consider you now level. —— And gee, it only took 3 years. Gawd speed Brittney.

That’s not to say that something might wonk out and not work anymore. Totally possible. But I’ll hopefully be able to recognize that and get it fixed. And lithium usually keeps on ticking. At least I can go a few months now without seeing her. Since it’s already been a month, she wants me in two months from now, and then she said we’ll judge from there. SO nice to finally be done yanking the med chain. SO very tiring to yoyo like that for the sake of getting better.

So, I’m level and MB4 is level. 3 years must be key. Still pretty damn sad that it took this long. Then again, I’m just glad that we have this opportunity to get treatment. Thankful that there are meds out there that will take my broken brain and make it well again.

The Abilify has helped me to lose a little weight. I’m down 14 pounds. About another 8 or 9 to go. I’m happy though. Still need to tone, but I’m not in such a panic about the weight like I was 10 pounds ago.

The Eagles still rock. And will now never be the same.

Nerds rock too. They’re the new Smartie, dontcha know.

Haven’t talked to my sister or my mom. Need to call them this weekend, and just make plans to call them every weekend, I guess. Simply no time during the week.

We are doing it though. I leave before the kids, MB3 gets the little ones and himself on the bus, two oldest get themselves to school, and I get wee one to preschool. They get home before us, MD usually picks up wee one, and I follow home before 5pm. Then we run around getting things ready for the next day and that night, go through book bags, and get on dinner. Usually though, we get done so quickly, that we stand around wondering what the hell to do after dinner. MD sits down and watches bad tv. I can’t do that with this pill. I must find something to do, but I’m tired. So I usually lay down. Exciting. Totally.

Except for tonight. Kids are either gone or in bed, and I plan on a little stress release.

Still employed. Still loving it. Still tired. Still busy as hell. Still plunking along.

Well, it looks like I was wrong. Sometimes prayer does work. Her PET scan showed no activity in her stomach this time. He tested all of her cancer markers, and they are all within normal range. She has been cleared of all this mess, and he’ll see her again in 3 months, like usual. And, she has an interview for a job she wants, but thought she lost due to all this bullshit, on Monday.

Again, thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

First full week down. Starting to get a little rough. The volume of work that needs to be done is staggering, and I haven’t been there long enough to know how to prioritize which tasks. I actually left work undone for the weekend, and while that eats at me, she swears that it’s perfectly normal. Will take some getting used to. But I still love it. And wee one loves preschool still. That helps.

Now I’m about to call my sister. Need to find out what’s going on with her tests.

Thanks for the crazy cart you left outside that rammed into my car.

Douchebag.

Health Dept had the records. I’m saved. Now to find the time to pick them up.

Still loving the job. Busy as hell now though. Home life is going through major adjustments. Kids are really having to pull their weight (finally). Feet are getting used to the pumps. Thank gawd.

Wee one LOVES the preschool he’s in. He’s just pissing his pants to get out the door in the morning. Thankfully. Could have gone either way, and this could have been a really hard thing to do.

Haven’t talked to my sister, but I believe she had her PET scan yesterday. Should find out something on Friday. Wish her well please. It’s working so far.

I can’t find wee one’s shot record, and the Ped we used to use has closed. Ummm……. wtf do I do now? Does he have to start over? My gawd. Just when things were going so swell.

And things are going swell. KnockKnockKnock. Have to do that. I know it’s irritating. I really like the job so far, although it’s only been two days. I’m actually excited about tomorrow, so that should count for something.

But I’m tired. So I’m headed to bed. ‘Cause I gotta get up at the buttcrack of dawn.

Benign — the mass in her breast. Not sure what it is, but that’s all we need to know anyway.

Now to see what the hell the stomach issue is. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

If I’ve had your kid since Friday — it would be great if you could call to let me know what time you are coming to get his ass. I’m rather tired of looking at him.

Michelle and others have asked about MS, so I thought I’d answer here and save some time. Because I’m remembering how little of that I have now.

Anyway, it’s still waiting bullshit. Doc ordered another PET scan to try and get a handle on the stomach spot. The breast spot will have some light shed on it after the biopsy Thursday –hopefully. She said the doc seemed more interested in the breast for now. Like he’s really thinking the stomach one is something else. Hopefully they are both something else. Keep those thoughts coming please.

And thank you. For all the comments for both her and me. They mean the world to me. Your support is giving me the balls to do this in the first place.

And might I add that the bank has approved us for their deferment program. No payment due for 3 months. We’ll get back on our feet in no time — knockknockknock.

Again - do not pinch me.

I love it. Simply love it. Her part, that is. Not sure how I will like his, but we’ll see. Tomorrow I get to open up an office supply catalog and pick out what I want for my office — and I have two hours to do this. I think that might just be my bestest wish. Ever. Come true.

DO NOT FUCKING PINCH ME!

Well, here I am. Test run for all of us. Kids are out of school, thanks to the effin’ snow, and I’m going to let them babysit today. Gawd. But isn’t it sad that I am trusting the 12 year old to do most of the work? He’ll be such a good dad.

I’m wearing an outfit that I don’t think matches. It’s bugging me. But my friend bought it, and I trust her, and since I have the fashion sense of a billy goat, I’ll defer to her this time. Red sweater, brown/red checked pants, brown shoes. IT’S NOT AS SIMPLE AS IT SOUNDS! There are designs on the shoes. ? Well? Do designs work? Oh, I hate this shit. Give me a uniform and a pair of boots anyday. I detest dressing like a girl.

And my feet! One hour and I’m already reminded of the nerve damage in my toes/feet. All those years on my feet on the hard floors of the restaurant destroyed my poor feetsies. I was told that the only thing that would fix them is surgery. I didn’t think I’d have to worry about it again. I didn’t think I’d be subjecting my feet to such bullshit again. But I am. And someday I’ll get that surgery so that I might be able to wear my shoes all day.

And my hair. Wow is it fucked up right now. I’m going to need a system. Some better routine than waiting to see every morning if it’s going to curl right. Sleep in curlers? Isn’t that a sure fire way to get me some at night. Pass. Damn, what else is there? I’m already getting up at 5, not sure how much earlier I can get up to mess with hair. Think they might have to get used to ponytails and buns. Sexy.

MD took the shovel to the porch and sidewalk and all the way up to my van. Then he brushed it off for me. I love that man. Even if I am still pissed at him for dating a girl named Barbie in my dream last night.

Still one hour to go, and I’m all done. This is when I would get the kids up and ready. Since there is no school, I’m going to use this time to study excel spreadsheets. I’ll be damned if I look like a dumbass at this job.

This job. This job of mine. I have a job. Holy shit.

Whew. Drug test = passed. Outfit = picked out. Alarm = set to an ungawdly hour. Gas in the car = MD is filling it up right now in the freezing snowstorm (yes, I will make it up to him).

Start tomorrow. Mom is going to watch the wee one for the next two days until I can get the other child care squared away. I’m so damn excited. I haven’t worked since 1-1-2000. A real job anyway. Had that online chat thing for a bit. But wow - 8 years? Hope I don’t make an ass of myself.

Thanks for the mojo. Sometimes it feels like a cruel dream when something good happens for a change. Just don’t wake me up.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

Should know something by noon today. They sure know how to keep my gut in knots.

But I did take a tour, and I think I would like it. Very much. And this lowly assistant would have two offices lol. One at one location with my friend on M,W,F’s, and one at the ‘office’ with her boss on T & TH. Would help her with bid packets and purchase orders, and would help him with project spreadsheets, etc.

C’mon phone. Ring. Ok, off to clean something and get my mind off of this.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Right now my sister is at the doctor’s finding out what the hell is the activity in her stomach. Her appt is a helluva lot more important than mine, so send the thoughts her way.

Now I am officially nervous. Friend had her meeting with the boss today and shit can’t ever stay the same. First it was perm. position, and I didn’t need to interview with anyone but her. Then it kicked to temp and I was to help the other dept heads, so I had to interview with them as well. Now it’s temp for 90 days, and I’m working for P and the head guy. So, yep, he has to interview me. An actual interview — as opposed to the other scenarios, where I would simply go up there to meet everyone.

For the first time since this was all mentioned a few weeks back, my friend has made jokes here and there about how if this doesn’t work out, she’ll write me a check for the clothes I bought. Argh. She claims to be kidding, but it makes me sick to my stomach.

——-

They called and set up the interview for tomorrow at 11:30am.
Gulp.

Good mojo please. I need this.

MD:
Time Smoke-Free: 16 days, 17 hours, 46 minutes and 25 seconds
Lifetime Saved: 2 days, 1 hour

MM:
Time Smoke-Free: 1258 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes and 45 seconds
Lifetime Saved: 8 months, 6 hours

Sure as hell like mine better. But his is a start.

Sat down with the older boys for the million’th time. About MB4. About how to stop treating him like shit. How to stop acting as though he ruins their lives. How they need to understand that I won’t tolerate them openly disliking him. I will not. I swear I will ship them off to their nana’s house before I let them destroy what little self-worth that poor kid has.

And he just wants to play with them. It’s not like he’s breaking things or throwing tantrums because someone looked at him wrong or said the wrong thing. He’s past that now. He simply wants to play. And they say no. Over and over. They say no, then turn around and play with each other. He asks for his turn on Rock Band, and they get huffy, say fine, and leave. Like he can play by himself. Makes me want to bust some heads and asses. And they’re my children. I can’t believe I could raise such hateful kids.

I zoned in on MB3, because I knew he’d take it the hardest, and he did. He was in tears after I told him that I was especially disappointed in him. Maybe he’ll stop acting like his older brothers now. He went down afterward and played Rock Band with MB4. Made his day. The other boys were simply dismissed, as they weren’t listening anyway. Unfortunately, I’m still steaming, and I am still trying to decide what to do. Because I am doing something. Perhaps make them take a class on autistic siblings? Go to his doc with me one time to get a lecture from her? Make them read some books?

Just makes me sick that they could act this way.

Up early again. Gotta love this pill. We went through Trial Run Test Phase yesterday to get an idea of what it would be like on a ‘normal’ day/night with me working. Not bad. And everything should run great this morning. I’m making the kids do it on their own this morning. I mean, I’ll help till around 6:50am, but then I’m “outta here”. We’ll see what happens. I’m so damn nervous.

MD is not so sure I should start working before I’ve had my tests done. I promised that I will try to have them scheduled on MB4’s appt days — so as not to piss off the new bosses. Not sure how I’m going to work my appts yet. Even though those are p-r-e-t-t-y important as well, especially with me working. Can’t be flippin’ no nutty at work. Ain’t cool.

Worried about MS. She sounds so down. Not that you can fault her for that, but I just hate hearing it. I wish I was rich and didn’t have to work. I could fly there and help her if this gets ugly. This waiting just sucks ass on a million different levels.

The cats are eating my plants. No matter what I do. No matter how many times I spray them or chase them or cuss them. So, I’m buying a Venus Flytrap. A big one. Who’s the eatee now, bitches?

Our massages are tomorrow. Yippee k….. I don’t know how to spell it. Actually, MD is excited. Me? Not so much. It better be a dude. A hot naked sweaty dude. No wait, I still have 10 lbs and mounds of toning to do. Maybe I want an old woman. With pruning hands……..shudder ick. Ok, I just don’t want to do this. Dammit. WAIT A MINUTE! I’m supposed to start today. Oh fuck no. Massages cancelled. End of story. Screw that.

I’m trying to improve my typing. I’m glad they now push typing classes in the middle schools. I never took it. Didn’t mesh with my schedule. They wanted me to take physics and calculus and math iv and trig. Yeah, that shit is more important to me than typing RIGHT FUCKING NOW, EH? I need that other shit so very much in my life. And I remember oh so very much of it.

Speaking of trying to recall years of useless info, I’m rather hacked that I wasted that time studying and worrying for that damn test. All for naught. I mean, I might be going later on for biz admin, but I would be going for free on the company’s dime, and wouldn’t need a high score anyway. Chaps my ass, it does. Oh well. Personal satisfaction, I guess. Although I wish I could have screamed BRIGHT FLIGHT BITCHES at my son and his friends. I should have tried harder. I have a feeling one of them is studying his ass off now. Then I’m out a whole heap of cash. S’alright. He’ll deserve it.

Ok, time to get dressed and play mommy is a working bitch now. Enjoy your day.

MS has to wait again. The mammogram showed ’something’. That leads to a biopsy - next Thursday. She said it’s not a cyst, but there is a chance that it’s a fi….something - fibroid, I guess? Let’s hope.

Now she sees the doc on Tuesday for the belly part. He brought her case up before a panel of docs to get advice. Guess the PET scan is the ‘final’ scan they usually use to confirm activity, but since this one is in her belly, they want more proof before they do anything. Not sure how to get it though. I hope they come up with something fast.

———–

My update is that the meeting was changed to Monday. Argh. BUT - she said HE said this meeting is only to determine if the job is temp/perm or perm for the get-go, and how much they are going to pay me to start.

??!!?? She said she’s 98% I have the job. Unless I totally make an ass of myself when I meet the other two buyers. So, I guess that’s good, eh? I have a job?

OMG I am bored shitless. Was going to wash windows — I KNOW — but we put up plastic this year. Can’t get to ‘em. Wash going to organize the closet, but there’s no where to put the shit because the ‘cold room’ (storage) has been sealed off too. Too drafty in there. Rolls under the door into MG’s room. What else is there for me to do? OMG, I can’t handle much more of this. This pill is going to drive me insane. I HAVE to be doing something. There was a day that I’d be happy to be done with everything by 9am so that I could be on the puter. Not now. Now I don’t care to be anywhere near here. Check my shit and hop off. Only to make a round of the house and sit back down to check my shit again.

I did manage to sew a curtain. I have 4 in the works, and I did one of them two days ago during a fit of boredom. But it’s crooked and you can tell. I know how to hide it, (by making another one for that window and bunching it up) but it makes me a bit leery about making the other ones. Not using a pattern too. Just trying to match what my living room curtains look like.

See how crooked it is on the bottom left? I mean, I don’t give a shit. It’s not like B&G is going to come a-knockin’ on the door. I’m just proud that they actually look like curtains. I know I’m not ready for clothes yet, but I might be someday.

My sister’s special mammogram is in the morning. The one to shed some light on what exactly the activity is that they saw on the PET scan. Let’s hope they find a harmless cyst or a benign tumor or the funky chicken. Just no C.

No C

Friend’s boss had to push the meeting to Thursday, because he wanted the finance guy there. She said the only reason for that would be to make it a full time spot. Hopefully from the get-go, and hopefully it doesn’t take much longer.

You know, I’ve sent MD’s resume out to 42 — that’s FORTY-TWO — places since he was let go in June. Do you know how many have responded? None. Doesn’t that seem a little odd? And it’s not like I’m applying him for things he’s not qualified to do. I don’t do things like that. And it’s not like he hasn’t had some pretty impressive achievements. I think it’s ASSHOLE employer sending out bad juju’s when people call for a reference. There was one company in particular that hired through the staffing center, and that gal was just about to piss all over herself when MD came in. More than qualified, passed their tests with a perfect score, salary within range. She said they’d probably call him the next day. Instead, she calls and tells MD that they are not interested. ?? Not only does it break my heart for him that this place could be that cruel, but it terrifies me that this may be the only job he can get in this shithole town. And what if that’s why the TN job hasn’t called back yet? Could take up to a year, but maybe they aren’t going to call either. Just sucks.

Oh well. No since crying when he has a job. Just wish he didn’t have to do it forever.

Four years ago today I met this little guy. He was one of our biggest surprises, and not a day goes by that I don’t thank the stars for that.

Anyone know of a big — very large — frydaddy-like fryer? You know, one that could feed a family of 8 in a couple of rounds, instead of standing up for 2 hours using a pan? Links would make my day. And my feet’s.

Never fails. I have been coming out of my skin for a few days now - ever since the doc up’ed the dose on me. I was to increase the dose again this weekend to get me to level, and wowza, I can’t fucking sit still or it hurts me internally. There is a ……. burn? a tension? a restlessness that grows and grows until I get up and do something. So, I am always doing something. Can’t watch movies, as I found out last night. Can’t sit here at the computer. I can play Wii, so it ain’t all bad.

I don’t have the leg movements and shit like that, but I can’t wait to see what happens when the full dose hits my system. Still going to give it a try though. What choice do I have. Running out of options here. I think Geodon is the only one left. I’ll go back on the Zyprexa if I have to, and just work out like crazy. Feel like doing that anyway. This shit just makes me mean. Snotty. It makes me hyper, which might as well mean manic.

I just wish this shit would let me sleep at night. Have trouble falling asleep, and I wake up all night long and have to get up and move a bit so that drive-you-crazy feeling inside will go away.

It may not actually kill me, but sometimes I’m terribly certain that it will.

——-

Not having the best of times, and I think it’s dad. It’s hard to do anything without tearing up, and I just don’t have time for that. Can’t listen to the radio, can’t talk to friends who’ve lost their dad, can’t talk to mom and hear her talk about him. I honestly thought I was pulling through this fine. Now this. Again, I don’t have time for this shit. I have to concentrate on this possible job and paying mountains of bills and making sure the kids are settled if I go to work. Can’t do all that when my head is mushy like this.

——–

MD is still holding strong. Eight days now.

——–

I went to watch his volleyball game the other night. I forgot how much I like his friends.

——–

My friend’s boss is coming back this Tuesday, and they are going to have a meeting about the job. He mentioned that he wanted to make sure they are going in the right direction. She thinks he’s talking about the temp thing. I sure as hell hope so. I’d hate to think he nixes the deal before I even get started. Our finances really need this. I’ve waited a couple weeks now as it is. Hope it doesn’t take much longer.

My best friend gave MD and I a certificate for a 30 minute sauna ….. visit, and a 60 minute massage to follow. It’s a couples recoup or something like that. It was a very sweet thing to do. Now to find the time to go.

Do you have to get naked? ‘Cause I ain’t feeling my body just yet. Perhaps I should wait until after I lose the rest of this weight I gained. Also plan to hit Curves with same friend after work few times a week since we’ll both be right there. Hopefully that will firm up my junk. Yuck.

I had myself ready mentally to start back to work after 7 years. I still have my mind ready to go back to work after 7 years, but since the tiny delay, I get to sit here and pace and busybody and curse and fret. I’m worried that this job won’t pan out, and then I’ll be stuck here as a SAHM for another 7 years. I can’t handle another 7 days. I did my time, and now I need to venture out a bit. I don’t care if it’s a temp job. I don’t care if it’s permanent. I just want to get this show on the road.

Not sure if I ever mentioned this, but MD has been smoking again for quite some time. Till now. He’s now 7 days into a Quit that I think will take for good. He’s in a different frame of mind than he was last time. He quit easily last time, but didn’t really want to. Now he wants to, and it’s hard. Guess it ain’t ever easy all around.

Anyhoooo, wish him luck or something. Going to try and do something nice to celebrate his end to Hell Week.

Damn, the blahs have found me again.

Went to the doc yesterday, she up’ed my Abilify. I was only on 4mg, and the min dose is 10mg. Hopefully that helps to chase these nasties away — ’cause I am nasty lately. MD said he’d rather have me back on the Zyprexa than to be like this. Except he’s not the one gaining 2-3 lbs a week. I’ve lost about 6 of 28 I gained. Turns out this Abilify acts like an appetite suppressant in some people. Yay me. Yay not very hungry. Yay not snacking at night. Yay to proper portions.

She also said I could simply call in if I needed to, as long as I was doing ok. I hope to be working in 2 weeks, and calling will be great.

ALthough I was given a call this morning by my friend, and she said now the boss isn’t sure he wants a temp. He wants to talk about permanent from the get-go — but he’s out with eye trouble until Tuesday. Which means I don’t start next week.

So I sit and twiddle my fingers for another few days. Hoping that this all just doesn’t blow up in my face.

Like some sort of dream, the only acceptable color to use in this office is blue. Blue. Beautiful blue that I’ve never been able to use because of that stupid fax problem. I guess they have a way around that, and using blue means that they know they are dealing with an original copy.

Blue.

So I was thinking again. The best pens are the ones you steal find. And since I have just a teensy bit of an office supply fetish, Superior Pens are my middle name. I HAVE to use perfect pens. You know, the ones that write smooth and full. Not felt tip, I loves me some roller ball action.

Which leads me to an idea. Send me a blue pen, and if it’s The One, The Best, The Head Machismo — I’ll send you Walk Disney’s Treasures: Oswald. It’s a 2-disc Collector’s Edition in a tin box. Who is Oswald? Beats the shit outta me, but you can have it if your pen rocks my world.

Dad’s been gone almost 5 months now. Totally unreal. So that’s what happens? You plunk along every day trying to get by and then one day you realize that missing them hasn’t killed you? Still hurts like hell.

Well, the job has changed a little. A lot, actually. It seems that it takes a few months to create a new position, and the job will be temp basis only until then. Which means no benefits, basically. The pay will be a little lower, but still more than I’d make elsewhere. Could be a month or 3, or it could take a whole year if the big boss didn’t include the position in the budget. She’s pretty sure he did though.

I went ahead and said yes. I can wait for the good stuff. Get in now and get to work so I can bring home that bacon.

My friend went with me today to go shopping for clothes. Business casual. JoyJoy. Let’s spend money on clothes I don’t really like. They aren’t too bad though. Got a few pair of pants and quite a few tops. Like 6. Plus I had gone to the thrift store the night before, and had bagged a few pants and shirts then as well. So hopefully that’ll last for a while.

I’m really excited. Just need to work out the babysitting and life will be great. Mom said she would watch him until I was making enough to pay child care, but I’m not sure I trust that. She hasn’t mentioned it again, and I don’t know if I want her watching him anyway. She’s just not that type. I’ll figure something out.

And I guess the other interviews are formality. They are satisfied with my resume. I guess the things I’ve done in life have helped me to prepare for this job.