Been in training the past 2 weeks …

Being converted to full time regular on the 18th, and had to have more training in order to make that happen. It’s window training, so I automatically love it. I love working with the public. WIth my anxiety. Go figure. But if they COME IN to MY place of business – be it the post office or a restaurant or a barbershop – they are coming in because they want something from me. I take great pride in being able to make people happy by giving them exactly what they want even if they weren’t sure about it themselves. People are spending hard earned money, and that should mean they get quality – both in product and service. I taught a class on customer service a long time ago. Before I started taking pills for my mental …. issues.

I wasn’t so fucking scared of shit back then. Now my own shadow gives me pause. S’ok. The trade off was worth it. I have my life back. I’m steering this bitch now, and my illnesses will never lead the way again. Unless the zombies come, and then I’m going back to being mean.

JandA

J and A – I use janda combinations for so many things. I put our initials together for a combined myspace log in. Geebus. That was a bit ago. Anyway, I’ve used it ever since. I say J and A in my head when I type it. Not janda. I say J and A because it reminds me that J is with me. Me. No one else. I’m with him. I choose to be with him after 30 years. I love him so much more than I did 3 decades ago. I didn’t know what love was back then. I loved him, but I had no idea that there were so many levels.

He became my best friend early on. He continues to be. We parent the same way. We share the same political beliefs. We like the same kind of friends. He plays sports. I watch. He has become the Cleaning Master. Some chores are split up according to who has a penis (spiders, snakes, something high up, something dead, something smelly, leftovers to garbage because it makes me gag, snow removal, car repair, do you get the picture? Then there are vagina jobs. Growing those babies, breastfeeding, puke, pee, shit we share. Blood – totally his. I faint.

Discipline used to be me. Now it’s him. Both I guess. No, him. Abilify has left me completely neutered. I take it for my temper, but it dampens every bit of it. I have a hard time getting fired up. Safer that way. But that has turned him into the mean guy. I don’t mind. I was the bitch for so many years – the kids’ younger years too. When they needed discipline yes, but not from the bipolar mom with the nasty temper. I never hurt them. I just yelled when they fucked up. And sometimes just for being kids. If only we could have our minds now at 50 and the body of a 20 year old – that would be perfect to raise a child. But we can’t. And I can’t go back those first 15 years and medicate.

Anyfucking way – where was I? Oh yes, there are also regular chores that are shared by both us – except with my nighttime hours and the depression, I personally don’t give a shit about chores right now. I’m such a clean person, and it kills me that the house is in need of some love. J A S O N comes home every night and helps me cook. He cleans the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and does laundry. I try try try to do shit during the day, but I’m so worthless. I did start a load this morning. I’m trying. Baby Baby Baby – maybe if I remind myself that I’m almost a grandma, my head will stay above water.

Where was I? What was my point? The point is, my husband and I don’t have the perfect marriage. We fight. Not as much since we are managing to pay the bills on time, but we still fight. We also make up. Quite nicely. Some things are perfected with age. The longer we’re married, the better the sex is. Go figure. Ain’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

If J ever leaves the A, ……. she probably won’t make it.

Too many fucking spiders.

Lewis Capaldi

I can’t get enough of his voice. So crisp, so strong, so beautiful.

Maybe I’m late to the party, but I don’t listen to the radio in my defense. I go through the top 10 songs every so often to see what I’m missing. When one catches my …. ear, I tend to obsess. I simply adore this guy. I have yet to find a song that I tend to skip over. There is always a skip song. Not on this cd. I only bought one though, so maybe the others have garbage, but I doubt it.