Still no baby.

Oh well. She must need more cook time.

I feel down no matter what I take or do. Very frustrating. This is why people drink. I get it now. This pain that can never heal 100%. This pain that will only get worse for us. This pain that occupies your mind every second of consciousness. So why be conscious. I wish I drank. But I don’t. Was a thought anyway.

I thought I had peeked into every room in my mind. I thought I had a handle on what was coming. Not that I can survive it any easier, but at least I know what’s headed our way.

Nope.

There are still things that we have to face that I didn’t think about. Like invasive procedures that will save a life temporarily. Like what to do with ashes. Like where to have a service when the people who own/run it are the parents of the best friend. Ugh. Seriously makes me light headed to think about, but we must. We must. Its’s not possible to put together services like that on a whim when you’re heartbroken. In a daze. I want everything perfect, so I’m doing it now. We talked to the guy about different containers for ashes. I want us all to be in the cremation park that dad’s in. Different headstones though than normal ones. THese are tiny and some can be benches or whatever. Very nice. Very peaceful.

Still blows my mind we even need to talk about this shit.

I dug out that book that is like a guidebook of sorts for D u chenne. Very helpful. Very sad. Very tactful, thoughtful answers on the questions that the kids ask. Even the hard ones. I just have to stop my eyes from leaking as a read it.

Got my nails done, so i type like shit even more than i regularly do…

And that’s pretty bad. I feel pretty when my nails are done though. Like a girl anyway.

Emily is due in less than 3 weeks. ! Finally. Any second now I could be a grandma. A Gigi. I cannot wait to meet her.

I offered my old ring set to my future daughter in law. SLow goings on the ring savings this year. All they have to do is size it and add a stone. Still cheaper than paying for the ring/setting as well. I hope she answers yes so they can get this marriage business in motion. Before she walks away after 7 years. Poor girl. I adore her. I hope she hangs on long enough for him to show her that he loves her.

J A S O N and are getting along fine. Day by day. MInute by minute sometimes. But getting along. We have developed a strange way of …. discussing? Trying above all else to respectful and nice while trying slowly to get the real point across. Men and women are different. They talk different. They mean different things when they say the same exact thing a woman says. I get it. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that so we can try to talk each other’s language without letting emotions get involved – because it feels like a learning session more than anything.

Besides, watching him parent I A N every day mends any beefs I got. I married an amazing person. Twice. lol

Yeah, for those not in the know, we divorced after 9 year of marriage. We remarried a bit later and have been together for 21 more years. We hit 31 years in April. And yes, I get two anniversaries. I’m worth it. Or insane to think two is normal or warranted, but I get two all the same. neener

Wow, haven’t updated in awhile. Shocker.

Had that shit cut off my face this morning. I’d post pics, but I’m too vain. No, i’m not kidding. I look like I lost the fight. Seriously, and I’m supposed to go to work tomorrow? Yeah, right.

Doesn’t hurt though. Now. Numbing me up almost did me in. Needles in the face. Lovely.

Few more weeks till Baby Emily gets here….. I feel like I haven’t bought enough yet. I still need a pack n play and a few baby items for our house. Cause you know we will be a free babycare option. Hopefully they utilize the service. Often. Unless Baby Emily is a screaming neamie – and then we will visit them.