Been awhile . Again. Because I suck.

I A N is in the hospital after having spinal surgery. He’s doing very well. All of a sudden. He spent 5 days in PICU, today he went to the floor, and he’ll probably go home Monday.

He had a feeding tube in on the 13th of Feb. He’s still eating, but it was important for after this surgery.

I am not suffering from a nervous breakdown yet. Yet is Key.

J A S O N and I have been snarling at each other for two days, and even though we both know it’s just stress, it’s hard to remember that when someone is tired and snippy. Or going stir crazy like he is. He’s the one staying at the hospital at night. I go home alone and wait for the next day to drive the hour back there. I can’t ‘do’ hospitals. i smell death and sickness and depression and tears and pain and I just can’t stay there for very long. It’s stupid, but the longer I’m there, the …. sicker I get? But it’s a mental sickness,and it starts to go away with fresh air. I’m also homesick – although I don’t think that’s the right word. I’m just an introvert that combusts inside every time life forces me to leave my fucking house.

I’m currently in the running for Housekeeper of the Year. Unless they see that I’m currently sleeping with a large pile of clothes where my husband should be sleeping. No I’m not lonely. I’m fucking depressed and could give two shits about those clothes. Besides, I’m one of those – one position all night – people. set it and forget it

I might need to shower in the morning as I’m having trouble remembering my last bout with cleanliness. Not nasty, again just can’t be bothered by baths and such, because?? You got it, fucking depressed and I don’t give a shit.

I should be helping with the house and the dishes and such, but who am I kidding? I’m too fucking mentally burned the fuck out right now that I can’t possible fucking fathom lifting a fucking finger to do anything, and I’m liable to destroy anyone that wants to make issue. I’ll get around to everything, tomorrow.

Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow

Alright, up at 5am means bedtime now


One thought on “Been awhile . Again. Because I suck.”

  1. I feel you sister… been awol but dealing with my own personal hell (baby bro’s suicide 2 years now (in my home)) and hubby’s threat to leave when depression monster overwhelms me many days still… the pandemic stress and chronic insomnia sure doesn’t help! I think of you, and especially Ian and your family’s collective pain often though. Hang tight my sweet. They need us to.


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