Mainly because I wrote him a letter to approach him about it instead. He read it that morning when he got up, and got angry. Then he took a shower because I said not to wake me I didn’t want to fight anymore. So he calmed down in the shower, realized anger was not the correct response, and woke me up to hug me. I was pretty upset in the letter. I went on and on and ended up contemplating a break up. While both still living at home because we need him too much for him to ever leave. ANd I ain’t going nowhere. So when he hugged me instead of yelling at me, I knew he had really read the letter and had taken it the right way. That’s all I needed. To know that he’s still my best friend. That he’s still taking my side in life. That he’d rather be here than anywhere else. That he’d rather be with me than anyone else. I gave him wings and free reign in that letter. It’s not what was wrong, it was how he’d respond that was the real problem. I can’t live with someone I can’t talk to for fear they will blow up. No thank you. I was that person many years ago, and I lived with a mother like that for 18 years. No thank you. I loved him because he’s never been like that. Till now. Till the last few months. Ever since Ian’s surgeries. He’s stressed beyond belief. always in a rush. Like he’s never on time. He snaps at me at the slightest disagreement. All out war over stupid shit. GOes off on tangents just to fight some more it seems like. I love him more than anything I have or will ever have. But I ain’t living on eggshells. BTDT.
But he really read it. LIke, between the lines. He knew it wasn’t about the stupid shit I started the letter with , it was the heart that poured out afterward that was the important part. And he got it. He calmed down and he got it. I think the shower radio I bought him for CHristmas last year for $8 is the best $8 I’ve ever spent. He sings his heart out now to music. He loves that thing. Bluetooths it to his phone and itunes, and look out. But it’s dying. It was only $8 yanno. Worked pretty good for $8. So, I bought him a new one – even bought it back when he was being a royal dick. It’ sunder the tree.
ANyway, I had a horrible two days trying to word the letter just right. I was so nervous how he’d react. I honestly thought I might lose him. He flies off the handle over lesser things. But, I didn’t lose him. I think I got my husband back. He’s been kinder lately, but he said he realized that I wasn’t coming from a place to attack him. I was asking him about his fucking gaming app purchases and it snowballed into – I’d tell you to your face but you’d bite my head off and pack your bags. And he got it. Sorry, I’m just in shock. Been in shock all day. This is huge for me. For us. Lately.
Getting along so well we talked more about I a n. About planning things that are inevitably coming our way. Music. Pictures. Services. Places. Options. I know it sounds sick, but i feel better working this shit out. I feel better working it out together. Knowing we’re on the same page for the second most important thing in our life. The first important thing was watching our son Ian come into this world. The second will be feeling him leave it. Say what you will, think what you want. But the more we do before is less we have to do then – when we have lost our fucking minds and do not want to make those kinds of decisions. We did that with dad. And mom picked some hokey song that haunts her to this day. I won’t do that again. It’s too important. Maybe I’m crazy or stupid or mental, but I think a life should be celebrated with a thoughtful, beautiful, well thought out last service. Go out with a bang. Not expensive, just meaningful. Or at the very least, not hokey.
Time for bed.