Except the bread is a lovely shade of green. Grrrross. Guess we need to go to the store. And to therapy. I don’t think a meal has been cooked in that kitchen all week. I’m not home and he’s tired. He’s become a single mom. And he’s not faring well right now. He’s drowning, and I can’t help him because I’ve been drowning for 10 years. Shhhhhhiiiiiiit, more like 30, but who’s counting. Nice of you to join me. Let’s struggle together. Hope we survive.
We had a nice week. We have not had a nice past few weeks, so that’s why I am noting the improvement. We aren’t at each other’s throats. We aren’t saying bye bitch when the other one threatens to run away. We aren’t tiptoeing through the tulips hoping not to wake a demon. We aren’t merely existing as two adults in a house. We weren’t sleeping in the same bed thanks to me working late and him falling asleep on the couch waiting for me. He’s a fucking zombie if you try to wake him, so I leave him. Bed hurts his back anyway. We weren’t talking. He would let me sleep as long as possible in the mornings, then leave when I woke up. I’d be gone before he got home from work. He’s asleep when I get home. I try to get up earlier, but I’m old and I’m tired and I need more sleep than I usually do. I can’t hang on 3 hours anymore. 4 maybe. 5 is ideal. So I get home at 2, have to unwind and settle my brain, fall asleep about 3. Get up at 6 to help him get Ian ready, then I fall back asleep until he leaves. He’d let me sleep longer but I want him to wake me up so I don’t piss away my whole day. Not much time for us to talk. We weren’t having sex. No time for that either. We weren’t eating a meal together. We weren’t connecting on any level.
Not sure what we were fighting for, but it just doesn’t seem worth it to bicker and bullshit our relationship away. He’s nicer, I’m nicer. I’ve watched my tone, he turned off the tv on my only day off. I sure heart him for that. TV fills my head with noise. We’ve been trying to sleep in bed. I need to buy him a mattress topper for CHristmas.
Then when I found the lump, he became softer to me. I need that right now. I just need someone to give me two fucking minutes and take the wheel while i close my eyes and learn how to breathe again.