This depression has been a real downer (ha!) the past few years. I feel better the past few weeks, but we’ll see how long that lasts. At least I’m up and helping Jay clean and cook and shop and budget. I wasn’t doing a fucking thing. Not one fucking thing to help him. I’m a real winner.
Was thinking it was time for a family update. It’s been awhile. They’ve grown. I’ll work on that. Will give me something to do.
Jay and I had a fight last night. Not a large one, just bickering back and forth. Getting more and more slice and dice with the comments. Caring less about the other because of the constant ick in the air. I hate this. I hate that it’s deja vu all over again. Things slowly going down the shitter – going to bed angry, not resolving the fight, but ignoring it until it pops up again.
Right down to the getaway to try and help things. Let’s see. We had a fantastic time in the summer of 97. Two months later, we were filing for divorce. God, I hate this.
I love him, but he’s slightly narcissistic. He can up and leave the fucking room while I’m in the middle of the sentence and go run dish water. ? Da Fuck? So, last night he is talking during dinner. He starts finishing his story up after dinner and I remember I had laundry in the basement but I needed the basket, so I had to fold. I didn’t want to interrupt him, so I slowly backed into the other room. I expected him to follow. He stopped talking – completely. It was then I realized he was pissed. So i got pissed. Mother FUcker has cut me off, interrupted me, ignored me, placated me, and I get in trouble for going to fold clothes while telling him with my eyes and body language to follow me. I had my pop,purse in my hands, or else I would have waved. Asshole. I gave him a piece of my mind about how his narcissistic ass has hurt my feelings over and over for the past 29 years, and once — ONCE — I hurt his feelings, and he’s going to fucking start a world war over it. Whatever. He knows that he let me go to bed angry. Makes me angrier in the morning. OH well.
I swear, I only work 8 hours a day, I only sleep for 3 hours a night, which means I should have 13 hours for the rest of life. Errands, chores, baths, meals,… I still never seem to have enough time. Maybe I should track my computer time. Nah.
I’m tired of the fucking weather. I know everyone is, so let me just get it out there for all of us. Tired.Of.The.Fucking.Weather.
We’re (the husband and I) are going to Las Vegas in about 2 weeks. Getting excited. I have a mandatory break from work for a few days, so we decided to get away for a few days before our son is too advanced for us to go anywhere.
I don’t have any fucking time to post. I have spare time now, but it’s not really spare. I should be getting ready or doing laundry or dishes or cleaning out the fridge or grocery shopping or any number of things that need done around here.
My husband has been doing all of it lately. I just don’t have it in me. I need a med change, but both the doc and myself are nervous to switch anything. I’ve been on the same meds for 7 years now. The depression it just getting worse the sicker my son gets.
Here I am – ready or not. Since S and J are both gone, and P no longer speaks to me, Jay is my best friend. And as much as I like this, I need some other outlet – and what better outlet to have than moodymama?