Zero motivation to do any of it. I just want to sleep. But when I get the chance, I’m not tired. Go figure.
Maybe it’s my brain that’s tired. Tired of the bad news and negativity and horrible acts and every other Worldly thing to worry about as an
empathetic bipolar crazy person. I love being a barometer of the human emotion around me. I lie, it’s life changing. Spending my life living the sadness and pain of everyone around me to the point where I need extra medication. Yeah, let me be a psychologist. I’d blow my brains out after a month.
I have so many phone calls to make, and I just can’t. I have had a hurt arm for 5 weeks now. The general consensus is that it’s carpal tunnel in my elbow. From bowling too much. Five games, 5-6 times a week is too much, they say. Fuck ’em. Just as soon as I can hold my ball, I’m back in a flash. Ok, it’s not a flash. Over a month now of no bowling. Can’t even think about it without my arm aching. From my numb fingers to my shrieking arm to my throbbing elbow – I fucking hate not being able to do what I want.
Make phone calls Angie.
Anyway, had everyone over for Jay’s / Carson’s birthday. I love it when the kids are together. I hate that Austin is so far away. I bet he stays in this area for awhile when he gets back. Both older boys have turned down job offers in other states so they could still be here – I assume it’s because of Ian. I wish I could be a bigger person and tell them to go follow their own path, but I don’t want them far away from the family. Anything can happen.
In an instant.
I just need to make one. Maybe one will help me make the rest of them.
Dammit, I hate my brain sometimes.