Still no baby.

Oh well. She must need more cook time.

I feel down no matter what I take or do. Very frustrating. This is why people drink. I get it now. This pain that can never heal 100%. This pain that will only get worse for us. This pain that occupies your mind every second of consciousness. So why be conscious. I wish I drank. But I don’t. Was a thought anyway.

I thought I had peeked into every room in my mind. I thought I had a handle on what was coming. Not that I can survive it any easier, but at least I know what’s headed our way.

Nope.

There are still things that we have to face that I didn’t think about. Like invasive procedures that will save a life temporarily. Like what to do with ashes. Like where to have a service when the people who own/run it are the parents of the best friend. Ugh. Seriously makes me light headed to think about, but we must. We must. Its’s not possible to put together services like that on a whim when you’re heartbroken. In a daze. I want everything perfect, so I’m doing it now. We talked to the guy about different containers for ashes. I want us all to be in the cremation park that dad’s in. Different headstones though than normal ones. THese are tiny and some can be benches or whatever. Very nice. Very peaceful.

Still blows my mind we even need to talk about this shit.

I dug out that book that is like a guidebook of sorts for D u chenne. Very helpful. Very sad. Very tactful, thoughtful answers on the questions that the kids ask. Even the hard ones. I just have to stop my eyes from leaking as a read it.

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