I feel so alone without Jenny and Shawn. I feel lonely without my old best friend too, but she made her choice when she blinked out of our lives. I’m not chasing anyone. I feel alone when Jason and I fight. I have no where to go when I threaten to leave. He left the other day, and I wondered where the fuck he would go. He has IRL friends, but not on a very close level. One, but I just don’t know if he’d go there. Turns out he said he drove around. His plan was to let me cool down until he ran out of gas, then have me come get him. Genius there.
Had another fight last night. It’s just stress. Fucking stress. We are only human God. We can’t take much more. I mean, we will always do whatever the fuck we have to do, but it’s gets old. We’ve been together 30 years. We’ve had 6 kids, and helped raise a dozen more. When is it our turn to enjoy this money we’re finally making and spoil some grandkids. When will enough be enough with the sorrow and bullshit diseases. When will life not come with a pit in the stomach.
My mammogram and u/s results were shit. Boobs are too dense. They feel the lump, but they can’t get a read on it. I have a trio of cysts in one of my boobs, and they were looking to see if that’s what i feel. Even though I haven’t felt it before. WHich would mean the cysts are growing. Which they told me wouldn’t happen. I have a more indepth test on the 16th. And a genetics test on the 17th. Yay. Let’s go see what I Have so they can talk me into cutting off my boobs. Gah
So, I wait. Wait with this Thing in my boob. Wait when my skin is crawling thinking about it. Wait when i’m wondering if i could dig it out with a fork quicker. I won’t. Just wondering.
I don’t dream anymore. Except last night. I dreamt I had it and it was everywhere and they gave me 6 weeks. And I died without seeing my first grandchild. Today, that dream played on repeat while I suffered. I love OCD.
I’m eating a cookie. Just thought I’d share. I don’t really eat sweets anymore. But this damn thing is tasty. I forgot that Sugar is my friend. I keep losing weight. I know. That’s about 50lbs now. I can’t keep my balance for shit. I fall over just standing there. My eyesight is shit shit shit. Just gets shittier every fucking year. I don’t even make it a year. I start calling around the 7 th month asking if it’s time yet. Cause I can’t see. I have progressive bifocals, and i walk around with my head up so i can look out the bottom where the RX is strongest. Such an idiot. I can’t hear. People stop, face me, and repeat themselves loudly these days. I feel like a boob. But I can’t fucking hear. Wait, I can hear. Volume is fine. I can’t understand you. It’s garbled. It’s Charlie Brown’s teacher. I am forgetting words. Everyone does this, but when my brain forgets, I don’t get to just stand there and ponder. My mouth gets in on the action and comes up with a splendid replacement. Tampon was twatcicle. Twat. I don’t even say that word. It’s gross. But it’s words like that that don’t exist usually. Add all this up, and I am convinced its spread to my brain. I don’t normally like to buy trouble like this, but without knowing for sure, my mind is having a hayday.
Ok, I should get the rest of my shopping done. At 1am. Go me.