We’ve got to stop meeting like this. At 2am.

I need some fucking sleep. Not going to get it, I just have that feeling. My brain will not turn off. but I just got off work, and I’m getting squished in the morning. I’m stressed man. I don’t want to be one of those people that feel fine until something gets out of whack enough to get them to the doc – only to find out they are advanced to the point of weeks, maybe months. I need more of a notice than that. My dad’s doc told us he had about a year and a half left. He was close. Dad was able to take his time and leave on his own terms. He sold shit that he knew would give mom trouble. He bought shit he knew she would need. He made lists of options for when things broke or needed replaced. He gave her a list of cars to choose from. Mom needed shit like that. He was able to talk to me about death and heaven and dying. Dad wasn’t afraid Dad knew Heaven existed. He was there before. At 17, he had a motorcycle accident so severe that he was in the hospital for 9 months. NINE fucking months. Can you imagine? He was so far gone that he died on the table 3 times. He didn’t want to come back. Said he a glimpse imprinted in his heart of what heaven will be like. ANd my dad was no weirdo. Very down to earth guy but he believed fiercely about God and heaven and such. I needed that growing up after my cousin was killed. I was convinced God was fake because what God would let my cousin suffer so? FUcked me up for years. Had it not been for dad’s firm faith, I am not sure I woudl have fared as well as I did. Was a safety net if nothing else. Because if you don’t believe in God at all – you are going through life with no net. I can’t do that. I need to believe that God is still there, giving two shits about my littlelife. To even think about life without God is frightening. I need toknow there is a big guy in my corner when things get rough. He ain’t going to do much to my life, but he’ll listen if I talk, and to talk is the best therapy. Might even throw a miracle my way.

ANYFUCKINGWAY!! All that to say I hope if this lump is something serious, I have time to do what I Need to do before i kick it. And enough time to see my granddaughter born. And to see my daughter finally find someone worthy of her heart. And to spend some needed alone time with my husband. ANd to find a cure for DUchenne. And to lost this belly fat.

I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of not living. I got too much shit to do.

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